Extreme food… Why black and white thinking is bad.

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I’ll confess, I’m a bit of an extremist.

Anyone who knows me will testify to the fact that I am loud, honest, and not afraid to express my opinions, often to the point of causing offence.  Take for example my recent argument with a friend over the fact I am not currently eating eggs. Arguing over eggs? Really? Yep that’s me.

I tend to see the world in black and white. It’s either one extreme or another. There is no middle ground.

This way of thinking is common in people who suffer with eating disorders, and it’s something I discussed in great depth during my counselling sessions a few years ago.

My extreme thinking often gets me into trouble.

It’s public knowledge that over the last few months I’ve let my healthy habits slip a little and managed to gain a few pounds back. As of this morning, 7lbs to be precise. The result of which has me desperate to scroll through Amazon looking for the latest diet book to help me shift the weight NOW. Thankfully, I know that’s not the answer.

Old Hazel was a big fan of diets. Not just any diets, extreme diets. Cabbage soup, lemon detox, slim fast, cambridge, celebrity slim. The more extreme the diet was the more inclined I was to test it out.

Thankfully my days of extreme dieting are long gone. I’ve purposely avoided ever doing the pouch test for longer than a day or two because I know that long periods without real food are likely to send me into a spiral of binging.

Now when I want to lose weight, I try to just cut back a little on my treats. That is of course, until I find myself 7lbs heavier and desperate to try anything to get myself back down to goal weight.

As I was researching some healthy low carb recipes ( I’ve eaten way too much white bread and pasta recently ) I realised that eggs seemed like such a great option to help me trim the fat, only eggs aren’t “allowed” because I’m trying to be vegan.

That’s when it hit me. I may not be using extreme diets any more but I still think of food in extreme terms. It’s either CARNIVORE or VEGAN. No in-between.

Most diet’s fail because they restrict the individual in a way thats unsustainable, and most people who attempt to eat a vegetarian or vegan diet fail for the very same reasons. We restrict too much.

Trying to go vegan for me wasn’t about becoming a hard core animal activist, although it is something I feel strongly about. It was two-fold. Partly about making a personal choice to not contribute to the suffering of animals, so that I could help the world in my own small way and partly about health.

I’d watched a lot of food documentaries and read a lot of plant based nutrition books and wanted to embrace the healthy lifestyle.

But in times of stress I would still turn to food in comfort… I often referred to myself as “Vegan except for chocolate”. A phrase my friends found quite amusing.

In moments of weakness, the morals behind my way of eating were far outweighed with my brain’s desire to binge eat on junk food. When I’m battling the urge to devour 5 bags of cookies, making sure the cookies I’m trying to resist are vegan friendly is a little unrealistic.

So I began thinking about my diet. About the choices I make and why.

I recently visited a food festival, and because I couldn’t find a vegetarian option available for lunch, I ate a cupcake. Now even I know a cupcake, whilst vegetarian, is not a healthy lunch choice.

Did I really feel so strongly about not eating meat that I would sacrifice my own health?

Last time I decided to eat meat again it was for selfish reasons. I knew that WLS would be much easier if I could eat dense protein in the form of lean meat and dairy. I chose to put my own needs above the needs of the animals I had previously been trying to protect.

Selfish? Probably so.

People are often very wary of vegetarians and vegans and I understand why, having spent time on both sides of the fence. When you discover something you feel passionate about the desire is to shout it from the rooftops. You want to spread the word and help “enlighten” everyone around you.

But this only serves to make them feel be-littled, guilty, or defensive. It doesn’t help the issue at hand. It doesn’t save any animals.

What if instead of focusing on what vegetarians and vegans can’t eat, we instead focus on what we can? What If we sing about all the extra vegetables we can eat, all the new fruit salad recipes and smoothies we have discovered and how it’s cleared up our skin, hair and nails?

“As meat eaters, we often spend too much time focusing on the 1/3 of our plate that is meat and forget about the other 2/3”

Everyone can benefit from eating more vegetables. Every can benefit by swapping processed foods for fruit, and sodas for water and herbal tea.

If in the process of eating a little more veg people naturally eat a little less meat, then even better.

A person’s diet is always their choice and we should respect that persons decision. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t educate, but we should educate in a respectful manner.

With regards to my own diet, I find my extreme thinking becoming more of an issue as time goes on. I’m nowhere near binge and purge free these days, but restricting myself even further is not the solution.

So whilst I today ate a vegan diet, and the day before ate a vegetarian one, I am not promising to eat that way forever. Life is constantly changing and we have to adapt with it.

Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions about your health and the food you want to eat. If that happens to be eating meat only a Sunday, or adding a little more vegetables to your Atkins diet, then that’s ok.

You have to do what’s right for you.

 

 

The day after the Binge…

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Yesterday was a disaster.

I started the day on high spirits and somehow ended it with my head down the toilets at the local supermarket.

I don’t know what “triggered” my binge, but I know I felt the overwhelming urge that I haven’t felt in a while. I wasn’t hungry for food, but I was hungry for something to fill a void.

I always knew my eating disorder wasn’t cured, only hiding in submission for a while, always ready to surface when I let my guard down, and yesterday my guard was down and the monster came out.

I took to my bed with a bottle of wine and my bulimia/binge eating recovery books and buried my head in them, eventually passing out in a wine / food coma.

Obviously, I woke feeling awful, but determined to get back on my path of recovery, and to stop dieting

FOREVER

I’ve decided that not only am I going to start my old binge eating recovery plan again, but I’m going to extend the offer out to you guys. To anyone who wises to join me.

It’s not a diet.

It’s a month devoted to learning about your eating patterns and behaviour. Time to study how and why your relationship with food is the way it is.

For the 30 days of January I will post daily activities, challenges, tasks that I myself will be doing, and you can join me in the process of discovery and try to banish your binge eating habits.

This plan won’t be suitable for anyone within the first 3 months of WLS, but any other post oppers will be able to join in safely.

If you’d like to join in then subscribe to my blog, and I’ll soon create a tab on the site for the recovery plan, and post daily updates etc throughout the course of January.

I can do this…

And I know you can too.

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I can eat anything….

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Yesterday I read a post by my fellow sleever Tracy that hit the nail on the head for me. You can read her post HERE.

There comes a time, when you’re a year or two after your surgery that you start to feel almost normal. You can finally stomach eggs without vomiting, you can eat an almost real portion of food, you can attend a party without anyone questioning your eating habits….and life is pretty much back to the way it was before the surgery, minus a 100lbs or so.

But this is a dangerous time. If we start to feel normal and forget our bad relationship with food then it’s very easy to slip back into unhealthy eating habits. “It’s ok, I can eat popcorn at the cinema, I’m slim now” “Oh that one piece of cake is fine, I’ve lost my weight” or my personal favourite “I’ll burn this off at the gym later on”.

Telling ourselves little white lies that allow us to eat CRAP is not good for us. It’s eating that CRAP that made us overweight to begin with. Now I’m not saying I forbid you to have a treat every now and again, but keep an eye out for the occasional indulgence turning into a regular eating pattern. Once we re-establish a taste for the sugary salt laden processed junk food it’s very hard to stay away from it.

I know all too well… I managed to gain albs over the last couple of months, and being honest, for the amount of junk food I ate, 5lbs was not too bad a result on the scales. I’ve become the queen of “Now I’m slim, I can eat anything”. This isn’t true…. maybe it feels like I can, but IF I do, then the weight slowly piles back on. It only took a few days of me ditching the junk food to get 3lbs back off again. Imagine how long it would take if that 5lbs was 50lbs. We all say we won’t be that person who gains the weight back… but in reality we all have the potential to be that person if we don’t watch we eat on a daily basis.

We all have our demons with food…our personal battles…. and in order to deal with these battles, which are likely to last a lifetime we have to remember that we are not normal…..we will never be normal….

But what’s so good about being normal anyway?

Picture from Not Enough Cinnamon.com

Bad Hazel….

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Apologies I’ve been very quiet lately. Some days the ideas for posts just don’t come, and some days life just seems to happen so quickly and weeks go by without me realising.

But don’t worry, i’ve not fallen off the wagon. In fact i recently weighed myself for the first time in a bout a month ( in which I just ate normally, no calorie counting etc ) and I had lost 1 lb. Bravo.

I’m still eating mostly healthy healthy food, and I usually spend head to the gym 5 days a week, but it’s good to know that my weight doesn’t fluctuate hugely if I stop obsessing over my food intake. My body seems to like being at this weight. It’s comfortable.

So what’s been happening in the last few weeks?

A lot of training in the gym. I’ve started a 10 week training plan for my 10k obstacle race in November. It involves tabata sprints twice a week, weight training 3 times a week, and mostly trying to build my upper body strength. My biggest challenge is to be able to climb across a set of monkey bars. As a kid I spent hours doing this effortlessly, now I can barely hold onto one bar for more than a seconds.

However, I can see progress already. 3 weeks ago I used a step for added height, held onto the bar, and managed to hold on for about 3 seconds. This week, I jumped from the floor onto the bar, held on and made it across to the next bar with both hands. Small progress, but progress non the less. I even did a little victory dance in the middle of the gym.

I still have a long way to go until my race, and I’m still not 100% I can complete it, but the important thing is I’m trying. Everyday I push myself a little bit further towards my goal, and if I fail first time, I’ll just keep trying until I succeed.

I’ve also been a little bit busy dating…. there is a new man in my life, so at least I’m getting plenty of cardio, but i’ll save that for another post.

And I’ll write it soon….I promise.

 

Food for thought…

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Every man and his son knows I’m studying nutrition, but when it comes to my own diet, whats the status quo?

Well that’s the subject of todays blog. I’m unsure whether I’m doing well, or if i’m letting myself get away with too much.

My current days food looks a little like this….

Breakfast : 2 scrambled eggs, 1 cup spinach. Black coffee

Mid Morning : 1 banana, 1 apple or a protein shake

Lunch : Chicken salad. Black coffee.

Mid afternoon : 1 ice cream/ice lolly/chocolate bar/ packet of crisps

Tea : chicken with vegetables

Mid evening : Chicken, handful of nuts, or a piece of fruit.

Most days I have some form of “treat”, be it a piece of chocolate ( a whole bar ) a slice of cake, a few nibbles of sweets at a party, a bit of popcorn at the cinema etc… It’s nowhere near the quantity I had before my VSG obviously, but I feel like I’m eating “too much” sugar.

But then I flip it over. I was a horrendous binge eater and bulimic and I’ve come SUCH a long way in my progress. I no longer have bingeing sessions where I eat 4000+ calories in 20 minutes. I very rarely make myself sick, usually it’s to do with physical pain due to eating an extra mouthful of something, and I have found ways to cope with “extreme emotional situations”. Now I’m not saying they are healthy choices, I punch a boxing bag, scream, throw a paddy, cry like a baby, amongst other things, but I no longer hide my feelings under 6 bags of cookies.

Given the amount of progress I’ve made with my eating disorder I don’t know if i’m doing very well as a recovering bulimic, or doing badly as a VSG’er. The two don’t really go hand in hand. Having a “normal” relationship with food, is probably quite different to having a “healthy” relationship with food, and I’m not sure which I’m trying to achieve.

I’m trying to build more muscle and tone up my body. But If I can’t kick the sugar I might never have a flat stomach and high energy levels. However, I’m not, nor will I ever be a professional athlete. Do I really need a perfect diet?

If I’m maintaining a healthy weight, exercising every day, getting all my nutrients into my body, and then having a treat in a controlled moderated way, is that such a bad way to be?

 

F**k the fad diets….. SERIOUSLY

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Losing weight is hard. I get it. Trust me.

We all want a “quick fix”, “an easy solution” or to grasp at any diet that offers us drastic weight loss in a short amount of time. But trying to change people’s mindsets about losing weight, getting healthy and changing your lifestyle forever is something that I am now trying to challenge on a daily basis. Even more so once my new business venture takes off.

Let me ask you a question.

How long have you been overweight? Chances are it’s many years, I myself was bordering on 10 years above a healthy BMI. So why the rush to get rid of weight within a few short months? If it worked, then you’d already be enjoying a healthy life as a slim fit person. But chances are quick fixes in the past have only resulted in your gaining more weight than you originally started with.

If I knew last year what I know now about food and nutrition things could have been very different for me. People often say that I “took an easy way out” or “cheated” by having surgery, but having surgery didn’t make me lose weight ( of course it helped ). But learning about how to fuel my body and what foods nourish me, did help.

If after 2 months once my stomach had healed I began eating white carbs, chocolate, soda etc… I wouldn’t have lost weight at all, even with my smaller stomach. Losing weight, and keeping weight off is entirely about what foods you put into your mouth, and how those foods then affect your body.

So lets look at the science of fad diets, because I never understood how they worked before, and if I did, oh how things could have been very different for me.

Let’s say you go on a juice cleanse.

You eat fresh fruit and vegetable juices everyday for only 7 days as part of a detox. What happens to your body? You lose weight right? Well yes, you probably will. But what’s happening to your body to produce that weight loss is not healthy at all.

You’re drinking fruit juice which has been blended, squeezed, juiced, and drained of all it’s fibre, and of most of it’s nutrients. You’re basically drinking a glass of sugar. This causes your insulin levels to rise, and you’re body to cling onto fat.

So at night time, you’re allowed one meal. A healthy portion of meat and some vegetables. That will get your daily requirements of nutrients right? Wrong.

You’re body needs protein. If you deprive your body of protein you will be losing muscle, not FAT. Losing muscle might make you slimmer, but it will make you weaker, flabbier, and unhealthy. The more muscle you have, the more calories your body burns a day, so losing muscle will actually slow down your ability to lose more weight.

Quick fixes are that because they deprive you’re body of some essential nutrients and your body begins to eat away at it’s own muscle to survive. This is where your weight loss comes from. You’re eating away at your own body. NICE.

I know it’s hard to resist quick fixes, and sometimes it’s easier to be motivated to complete a 7 day program than is to make a lifestyle change. But a lifestyle change doesn’t have to mean a lifestyle without. Each new meal, each new day, brings a new opportunity to make a good choice. Every meal time provides an opportunity to make a choice that either helps or hinders you’re health. It’s ALWAYS your choice.

So don’t feel threatened by the scary prospect of committing to a year of healthy eating. Commit to only today. Commit to eating a healthy lunch, commit to avoiding sugar with your mid afternoon cuppa.

Don’t beat yourself up for having a small treat, for catching the bus instead of walking to work, or taking the lift instead of the stairs.

Just take each opportunity that arises as a fresh chance to start taking control of your own life. Or not.

Its entirely you’re choice.

 

Boys boys boys…. Cocktails and clubbing.

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Clubbing.

It’s something I haven’t done in YEARS. Literally. Which is probably the case for many people, but given I’m only 26 I often think that clubbing, bars, nights out drinking etc, should have played a much bigger part in my life than they have. Truth is when I was at school, college and even university I did enjoy the odd night out, but they always left my feeling unattractive and unworthy.

Whilst enjoying a night out dancing and drinking with friends is the true purpose of clubbing, it only takes one visit to a club to know that the agenda of most younger people in there is to “pull”, and “pulling” is something which happens based entirely on your looks, or a least, your ability to look good in a skimpy outfit.

I’ve been fat since I was 16, so never experienced a night out as a slim, attractive woman. ( Excuse my self compliments )

Boy is it different going out when you wear a size 10 dress than it was when I wore a size 24 tent.

I’ve never had much luck with men. I have been victim to many cruel jokes, fat bets, and pull the ugly girl games during my youth and therefore my confidence on a night out is VERY low. I often wonder “why” someone would be interested in me, and have problems trusting people who pay me compliments.

The old me would want to shake them and scream “why are you lying to me?”.

But new me is slowly starting to believe the compliments. In fact if I may struggle to get through doors soon given the amount of compliments I’ve received re my figure over the weekend.

But on Saturday night I finally saw what it was like to enjoy a night out as a “normal” person… ( referencing my weight here, I’m  not normal in the head, but you all know that)

Whilst I am spending time with a certain lovely man, I am actually still single and whilst searching for men wasn’t the purpose of the evening I am a little bit of a flirt in general, so flirting with men was an inevitable part of any night that included me and alcohol.

Myself and my friend Claire spotted a large group of LOVELY men as soon as we entered our bar of choice. It’s not often you see a group of 13 men who are all good looking, in shape and well dressed. A pitcher of cocktails later and we were flirting our arses off with the whole group. There is nothing like a whole group of good looking men willing to dance and flirt with you to give you a quick confidence boost.

In the days of old Hazel flirting with good looking men would have terrified me.  Actually expecting anyone to be interested in me was science fiction. So imagine my surprise when the tallest and best looking guy of the bunch whom I’d been drooling over since I set foot in the door shows an interest in me, even picking me up above his head in the middle of the dance floor.

Now I know that hooking up with someone in a club is shallow and meaningless, but as part of a one off let my hair down night out I think a few cheeky kisses on a dance floor with a VERY good looking young man is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact quite the opposite.

Whilst everyone knows I’m looking for love, and that’s not something I intend to look for or find in a nightclub, it’s a major realisation for me to know that on looks alone I am now attractive to the opposite sex.

So now I’m back to reality, recovering from a hangover and looking forward to a date with a man who actually likes me for me.

But I have a little more confidence, a little less fear and a whole lot of good memories.

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Lost for words….

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I’ve been wanting to blog for a couple of days now but not quite sure what to say.

It seems I’m at a loss for words, which never happens to me.

This week I’ve been spending a bit of time with a new man, we’ll call him S. He’s VERY intelligent, VERY cute, loves dogs, has a good job, a great sense of humour, and makes my heart race with a single kiss. I’ve not yet figured out what the hell he see’s in me, but the fact he’s sticking around means there must be something.

I have a tendency to dive into things head first ( as you’ve all seen and read a few months ago ) so I’m trying  to keep my head this time and not rush into anything. That being said,  I see great potential in us and I’m hopeful of what might happen in the near future. I really like this guy.

On a different note, I am back on the losers bench, and this week have managed to shed a whopping 4lb. My biggest weekly loss for a few months now. I lost the 2 lbs I’d gained during my 6 weeks of maintenance and an additional 2 lbs. And I stuck to a clean eating plan without bingeing for 6 days. That’s impressive for me given a complete lack of sugar usually sends me racing to the bottom of a tin of biscuits.

I really don’t need to lose much more weight. I know that I’m slim. I know that I look good. That I no longer need to worry about looking fat, or having 3 chins, or people staring me at when I’m out in public. But I’ve devoted so much time and energy to this transformation and lifestyle change that it seems silly to stop when my body is just “OK”.

I want to work hard and make it a body I LOVE and am SUPER confident with when naked.

Because if I can love my own body, then the possibilities of someone else loving it too are endless.

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