When blogging becomes personal…

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This blogging lark is sometimes harder than you expect it to be. 

I haven’t really blogged as much recently as I was doing, and reading a fellow bloggers first post back after a brief hiatus I realised why. Because I feel like my readers might judge my actions. That’s not because I don’t love my readers, but because no person can make decisions that others will approve of 100% of the time. 

I’ve posted quite a lot recently about dates I’ve been on, failed romances, failed relationships, and even crushes. As my healthy life becomes easier to stick to I’ve began focusing on other aspects of my life, and for some reason dating has been the main focus of my energy for the last month or so. 

Finding someone to share my life with has always been an important goal of mine. 

For some reason I felt embarrassed by this. As if dating too much was a crime. I’ve actually been accused of that a few times recently. It seems that a woman going on several first dates is considered “slutty” but a guy doing the same is just “Seeing what’s out there”. 

So instead of owning up to my actions I just stopped writing about them. And then I couldn’t get back into the swing of writing because I didn’t know what to say, and what to keep private. 

There has been a few dates over the last couple of months. 

There was a guy who planned to move abroad soon so only wanted “fun”…

There was a Dr who disappeared on me after the second date. 

There was a younger man who decided he missed his ex g.f. 

There was an ARSEHOLE who dared to call me a DICK to my face….on the date… 

and then there was him. 

Him I don’t wish to talk about just yet. Sometimes saying something out loud can make it real, and the more real something is the scarier the possibility of losing it becomes. 

But by finding someone who doesn’t judge me for my past actions, it’s made me realise I shouldn’t judge myself based on them either. 

There is nothing wrong with dating, with meeting lots of people and giving yourself options. There is also nothing wrong with liking someone a little too much before you’ve even met them. 

The only wrong thing I could do would be to ignore my own instincts. 

So I pledge to blog more again, to be the open and honest formely fat girl you all know and hopefully love. 

I’m not saying I’ll tell you gory details, but I refuse to hide my actions any longer. 

Just as choose which food to put in my mouth everyday, I also choose how to live my life. 

And I choose to live it in a way that will make me happy… 

Who cares what the rest of the world thinks.. 

 

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My colourful first 5k

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Today I achieved something great. I completed my very first 5k. Even my very first athletic achievement in at least ten years.

I couldn’t have picked a better first event than The Color Run.

It was friendly, fun and full of lovely people.

I completed the run in 37 minutes.

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An inspiring friend…

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A friend of mine has recently decided to embrace a healthy lifestyle in an attempt to break free from yo yo dieting.

Her attitude to diets and to eating healthy is PERFECT. She has forgotten any fad diet and instead taught herself how to fuel her body for life.

It’s this that tells me she will be very successful in her journey.

Here’s her story

” We all follow the cliché motivational quote type pages, whether is be on here, twitter or facebook. I follow them everywhere and while looking at skinny people and healthy food won’t make you thin, it’s a good reminder that if you’ve got time to be sat there looking at those pictures online – you’ve got time to work out so get off your ass and go for a run.

From since the age of 15 (ten years ago now) I’ve been part of the fad diet culture. It sucked me in and I never got out of it up until 3 months ago. I always had a certain respect for any type of diet no matter what it was because somewhere along the lines the goal is the same which is to lose weight and get healthy.

Well, no. Fad diets do not encourage that.

I struggled with my weight constantly and let it control my life and obsess about daily. I’d tried Slimming World, Weight Watchers, the Special K Diet, slimming pills. I did them all and they didn’t work. I’d reached the end of my tether with it all and I didn’t know what to do.

I realised I needed to make a huge change to the way I live if I wanted long term results but I was at a loss, so I did what I know best and researched.

The internet and social media is a fabulous place to do this. I started to follow fitness blogs on here, started following health professionals and personal trainers on Twitter. Paying attention to what meals they ate and got an insight in to how a healthy lifestyle goes. I gathered information for roughly 3 months while I figured out how I could make this fit in with my budget and life. Sounds dramatic but I was so sick of getting quick results but being unable to maintain them that I knew big changes had to be made and I wanted to do it right.

Please let me point out here that I’m not claiming to know what I’m doing at all, I just know that it’s working for me. You may see flaws in my plan and I’ve even been told that I’m under eating but it’s all trial and error and I’m still learning and I’m open to advice and opinions. It still blows my mind that people on here and twitter send me messages asking for advice or telling me that I inspire them. That’s such a phenomenal compliment and means so much to me.

Potatoes, crisps and white bread were the first thing I removed from my diet. White bread makes me terribly bloated, crisps are full of fat and salt and potatoes were just something I trailed cutting out and I still don’t have them in my diet. Carbs have pretty much gone but I do have brown rice in the cupboard to bulk up my meals if I fancy something with a bit of “stodge”.

Typically I will eat:

Breakfast: fruit and natural yoghurt , usually a mix of berries, grapes or melon and other days I will have weetabix and others coco pops and at weekend I will usually cook eggs with spinach, mushrooms and tomatoes.

Lunch: salad -usually lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot, celery, spinach with either tuna or ham.

Tea: I will have either steak, chicken or cod as the basis of my meal and then add broccoli, spinach, sweet potato, carrots or salad to bulk the meal out.

Snacks: yoghurt, blueberries, grapes, carrot sticks and other general fruit and veg.

Eating clean is very easy and when you find something you like – stick with it. I very rarely add anything to my meals outside of salt and pepper or maybe a tin of chopped tomatoes and onions to make a sauce etc. It was very hard to train myself to shop clean and was typically met with ending up with unused or unnecessary food. I typically spend £26 a week on food and that lasts me over a week. I keep my eye out for deals on meat in the supermarkets and then when I get home, bag them up individually and stick them in the freezer.

I’m far from a saint, I’ve made huge changes to my day to day living but I still indulge and that’s something I’ve found me doing less and less of. That’s the thing when you’re not following a diet and something doesn’t have a high “syn” or points value. It’s just food and typically an unnecessary one at that and it holds no nutritional value or benefit but GOD IT TASTES GOOD.

When I completed my 10k run, I went home and had 10 slices of white bread toasted with jam due to being so hungry, I then went out and had Nandos with chips and a side order of chips. In the week that followed I had Chinese takeaway, Pizza Hut and McDonalds. I don’t know why I did it because I generally didn’t enjoy it. It tasted all wrong. Well the Nandos didn’t but everything else just tasted of processed junk.

I’ll only shop in supermarkets now as “popping to the shop” usually means I’ll end up grabbing something unnecessary because it’s only 50p! In the supermarket I’ll head straight to the fruit and veg aisle but if I’m having a fairly tempting day I’ll go to the clothes section first and look at a pair of jeans or underwear in my goal size and think of them the rest of the way round and that typically has me swapping my carrot cake for blueberries.

Slimming World didn’t work for me and I still don’t fully understand the plans. Weight Watchers infuriates me. People are still allowing bad and unhealthy foods into their diets because their points allow it. I’ve been there – I’ve done it. I had that bacon sandwich and I’ve saved 12 points so I can have a large bag of dolly mixtures. It works for some and it’s worked for me in the past and that’s great but long term it isn’t a solution. Depriving yourself of something healthy in your meals so you can have a glass of wine? Why?

“Eat clean, train dirty” is a motto you will see and hear every day and it really is the best diet plan to follow if you can even call it that. Not at any point during this transformation have I felt controlled or restricted in my eating or like anything was out of bounds and typically I just haven’t wanted anything bad. I’ve not felt hungry and most importantly, I’ve got results.

I’ve lost 2 dress sizes and I stopped weighing myself but I weighed myself yesterday and lb wise, there isn’t that much difference in the two but as you can see a lot of fat has gone from my body.

I still have a long way to go, but if that’s the results from 12 weeks, I’m excited to see how I can look in another 12…..”

A sunny day out…

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Being at maintenance is so much easier than when I was trying to lose weight. I used to feel like an alien who could never eat ice cream or chocolate and avoided fizzy pop like the plague. Now I’m not saying eating these foods is good, but in the maintenance stage ( re the rest of my life ) moderation is key.

This weekend I went to The Lake District, and thanks to the ability to enjoy anything in moderation I actually felt “normal”. My relationship with food is now resembling that of a normal person.

I enjoyed a black coffee ( they didn’t have soy milk, or fancy sweetener ) I enjoyed an ice cream on the back of a cruise boat, I ate gingerbread from Grassmere, I snacked on gluten free sandwiches while enjoying the view over the water, and my thoughts weren’t on food during any period of the day. Old Hazel would have been starving at lunch time, or craving chocolate by the bucket load at the mere sight of it. But new Hazel, she enjoyed a little food when it was available, feeling no guilt, and enjoyed the day’s activities free from obsessive thoughts about food.

It was very liberating.

I also had an excellent time. I walked many many miles, I cruised across Lake Windermere, I had a picnic on Devil’s bridge watching divers plunge off the bridge into the water, and I had some decent company.

It feels so good to know that maintaining this figure doesn’t mean living a life without.

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Surgery Is NOT The Easy Way Out!

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A fellow sleever shared this on facebook today, and I related to it so much. I wish to shake hands with this surgeon.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/articles/surgery-is-not-the-easy-way-out-a-bariatric-surgeons-perspective/

Surgery Is NOT The Easy Way Out!

by Matt Metz, MD, FACS

I was at a social function earlier this week and a woman asked me what I do for a living.

“I’m a bariatric surgeon,” I replied.

To which she said, “What do you think about that?  You know, people just taking the easy way out and having surgery for their weight.”

Whenever I tell people what I do for a living, the issues of self-control, discipline, and exercise come up.  I have people judge me as an enabler, and judge all of my patients as weak-willed.  Sometimes, it can be so frustrating that I don’t want to disclose any information about my career.  Then I think about my patients. My patients are hard-working, caring, sensitive, intelligent individuals that are battling a disease.

Should I ask people at parties to tell me from what diseases their grandparents or parents died?

“Your mother had lung cancer?  She shouldn’t have worked in that factory.  Your father had a heart attack?  He should have checked his cholesterol.  Your sister died of breast cancer? She should have gotten screened earlier. “

People that label bariatric surgery as the easy way out just don’t understand the disease process.   My patients have each tried dozens of diets. They have lost hundreds of pounds through aggressive medical weight loss programs, only to gain all the weight back and then some.  It’s not just a simple issue of discipline and a diet.  Obesity is a disease, just like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and stroke.  Those diseases don’t go away with discipline and diet either!  Our own American Medical Association officially declared obesity as a disease earlier this year.

Obesity has genetic components, well documented in the medical literature.  There are socio-economic factors involved.  Many of our patients have an abuse history, and sub-consciously shroud themselves from unwanted physical attention through their weight; hence, obesity has a psychological component.  There are numerous metabolic issues at play, such as diabetes, hypo-thyroid issues, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, and leptin insensitivity.

Now consider the thought process involved in undergoing surgery.  Patients need to admit to themselves and their families that they have a disease that is so profound that they need to see a doctor to treat it.  Then they have to see a mental health provider, to evaluate them for untreated mental illness and coping skills.  Next they have to see a dietitian, and may need to undergo 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, depending on their insurance.  Then they have to have a major surgical procedure.  Granted, it’s typically performed laparoscopically, but they still need to undergo general anesthesia, and have someone operate on them in order to help fight this disease.  They may incur significant expense, loss of time from work, and/or time away from school.  Finally, they have to take vitamins for the rest of their lives, and they have to follow up with a mean surgeon (me) forever!

Does that sound like the easy way out?  How do I explain to a woman at a party that, without surgical intervention, only 30% of my patients would live to see their 65th birthday?  How do I explain the humiliation involved in asking for a seat belt extender on an airplane?  To not be able to go to a movie, or an amusement park.  To have to have a family member do your toilet care because you simply cannot reach?  To not be able to run after your child when he or she is in danger? To have people judge you as lazy and slovenly before even shaking your hand?  To be discriminated against when applying for a job, just because of the way you look?

Obese people are the last population that folks think of as socially acceptable to ridicule.  Yet, over 30% of Americans are considered overweight.  While I’m thrilled that the AMA has declared obesity a disease, how long until the rest of society recognizes that ruling and stops discriminating?

To my patients:  I will continue to fight on your behalf. Your bravery, your willingness to take control of your health care, and your dedication to a constant battle makes me proud to be your doctor.  Keep up your efforts, and let’s work together!

It’s too hot to exercise…and other really great excuses!

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Excuse me a moment while I moan about the weather. I’m British, it’s what we do best.

It’s DAMNED hot at the moment in England. Not that I’m complaining, I’ve been whinging about the cold for the past six months, I’m glad to finally wear shorts, use my sunglasses and spend my evenings sat outside a countryside pub. But warm weather and activity do not mix. Not in my head anyway.

It’s too hot for the gym. It’s too hot for an extra walk. Hell it’s too hot to move off my bed and away from the fan If I REALLY don’t have to.

Needless to say I haven’t been exercising recently. I think I’ve avoided the gym for about 10 days so far. It’s also not helping that the sexy fitness instructor is away on holiday, but I’ve been making excuses to myself for days.

I can’t even remember why I didn’t go the first day. It was possibly a date, or a trip to the cinema. But as soon as you miss one session it becomes so much easier to miss the next, and the next, and the next. Before you know it’s 10 days without exercise and you’re starting to get out of breath walking up a steep hill. I will not be having this.

It’s only 9 days until I run my first ever 5k, but instead of pounding the treadmill in preparation I’m sipping cider outside the pub, and drinking iced lattes whilst shopping for shorts and sandals.

It takes between 30-90 days to form a habit, but seemingly only a week or so off to really break you’re routine and have you clinging to your sofa and burying your gym card under a pile of dirty laundry.

Once I workout again I know I’ll feel great for it. My energy levels have dipped without the gym, my sleep schedule is off course, and my belly is a little more bloated. But it’s not motivating me get back on that treadmill.

I know I need to get my arse back into gear, but I just need a little push in the right direction.

 

The rest is still unwritten…

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It’s been going on for the past four years or so, but this week I’m back to worrying about my future, and having a little quarter life crisis.

I think it’s been brought on by the dating. Seemingly, in order to date people you have to first know yourself. Because you can’t sell yourself to other people without knowing what you’re trying to sell. It seems the men I meet are all very certain of their goals in life, all on the fast track to the life they desire and to fulfilling their dreams. I’ve met a trainee Dr, an engineer and a guy whose immigrating to Canada. They all know exactly where they want to be, and are working towards it day by day. They also all seem to request a “career driven woman”,  unfortunately that’s SO not me. Not because I don’t want to work, but because I have no idea WHAT I want to do with my life.

I’ve always been very carefree, optimistic and a little “head in the clouds”. I take life as it comes, never choosing a certain path because that would only close the doors to other paths. I don’t want to miss out on anything. But by doing so, I seem to be missing out on everything.

Over the years I’ve lost count of the jobs I’ve done…

  • Checkout operator
  • shelf stacker
  • bakery assistant
  • meat and dairy assistant
  • clothes shop assistant
  • ice rink steward
  • barmaid
  • waitress
  • sales executive
  • nursery nurse
  • teacher ( trainee )
  • dog walker
  • pet sitter

and there are probably more, most of these were whilst in education. The list of jobs I’d love to do someday is even bigger.

  • own a shop
  • work in a cocktail bar
  • own a B & B in the lakes
  • own a dog hotel
  • run a food blog
  • write book and film reviews
  • photographer
  • fiction writer
  • counsellor
  • nutritionist
  • event organiser

Unfortunately, non of the jobs on my dream list involve a 9-5 pay check and a “normal” lifestyle. They all involve having a large sum of money to start my own business, or having talent and luck and knowing how to get noticed for it.

I seem to lack the knowledge of how to do any of this. I see friends of mine who seemingly stumble across great opportunities, being offered a contract with a company and given funded training, being given book deals or moving to New York and starting their own blogs. They make it seem so easy. Yet I have no idea where to start in my own journey.

And starting seems to late now….i’m approaching the age of 27. I still earn below the taxable salary scale, I still live at home, I am still under qualified for every job I apply for, and still have no idea where I want to go with my life or what I want to do. Is this normal? Because it certainly doesn’t seem to be something the men I meet struggle with.

There is so much I want to do in life, and I don’t even know where to begin, which option to choose, or how to start the ball rolling in any way shape or form.

What would I like to do?

  • I’d like to live in NYC, even if just for a few months
  • I’d like to live in the countryside, ideally near water
  • I’d like to own lots of dogs, and volunteer at a rescue centre
  • I’d like to travel around the USA and maybe even Europe in a camper van and see new places
  • I’d like to inspire people
  • I’d like to find the love of my life, and share all my plans with that person

But of course all these are just general life plans, not career paths and don’t in any way help me to build a plan for my life or a sustainable source of income.

So what am I certain of?

  • I want to get married someday and be a great wife
  • I want to always have dogs in my life
  • I want to travel
  • I want to write something
  • I want to experience things

The rest? I really have no clue about and I wonder if I ever will.

I’ve always said don’t do anything in life that you’re not passionate about. But what happens when your passions don’t provide an income that allows you to really start living a life you can enjoy?

Do you stay lost forever?

Stress, PMT and eating like a pig

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I’m beginning to understand my relationship with food a lot more these days. I know when I’m craving sugar but not actually hungry, I know when I want to binge to help sooth and emotion and I know that giving in to my urges will only satisfy my urges to binge, not cure the underlying problem.

But no matter how much I learn, there is one type of emotion that I can’t seem to avoid turning to food with comfort with.

Stress.

I don’t have a very challenging job, I have very few bills to pay, I’m fairly responsibility free thanks to living at home, and I don’t go hungry, cold, or in need of anything.  I should be grateful for the things I do have in my life. But I get stressed VERY easily over the simplest of things.

My mum yells at me for the tenth time that day to do some form of cleaning, a particularly annoying dog pulls me through the park for an hour solid, something throws my day of course and I have to alter plans. All these things can provoke an episode of stress eating.

Stress builds up in me like a volcano.

I start to feel a little irritated at first, then I get a little itchy, my clothes start to feel uncomfortable, their mere presence frustrating me, and eventually I just want to explode, unleashing a world of pain on the world.

I don’t know how to handle stress. How do you bring yourself down from that boiling point without using the soothing milky chocolate to put out the fire?

I’ve noticed that PMT has a similar reaction from me. I just want to shovel down food at every opportunity, and I’m not even hungry.

Is there some sort of chemical link between stress and chocolate? And if so, how do I break it?

When my eating goes off course it lowers my whole mood. My energy levels drop, my skin breaks out, I feel lethargic and grumpy and easily irritated. The whole world annoys me.

PMT passes in the course of a week, but stress is a constant battle, especially when I live with my mother.

So how do you deal with stress when seeing comfort in food isn’t an option?

Any ideas welcome…

Until then… I’m off to enjoy some chocolate whilst snuggled up in my duvet.