Extreme food… Why black and white thinking is bad.

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I’ll confess, I’m a bit of an extremist.

Anyone who knows me will testify to the fact that I am loud, honest, and not afraid to express my opinions, often to the point of causing offence.  Take for example my recent argument with a friend over the fact I am not currently eating eggs. Arguing over eggs? Really? Yep that’s me.

I tend to see the world in black and white. It’s either one extreme or another. There is no middle ground.

This way of thinking is common in people who suffer with eating disorders, and it’s something I discussed in great depth during my counselling sessions a few years ago.

My extreme thinking often gets me into trouble.

It’s public knowledge that over the last few months I’ve let my healthy habits slip a little and managed to gain a few pounds back. As of this morning, 7lbs to be precise. The result of which has me desperate to scroll through Amazon looking for the latest diet book to help me shift the weight NOW. Thankfully, I know that’s not the answer.

Old Hazel was a big fan of diets. Not just any diets, extreme diets. Cabbage soup, lemon detox, slim fast, cambridge, celebrity slim. The more extreme the diet was the more inclined I was to test it out.

Thankfully my days of extreme dieting are long gone. I’ve purposely avoided ever doing the pouch test for longer than a day or two because I know that long periods without real food are likely to send me into a spiral of binging.

Now when I want to lose weight, I try to just cut back a little on my treats. That is of course, until I find myself 7lbs heavier and desperate to try anything to get myself back down to goal weight.

As I was researching some healthy low carb recipes ( I’ve eaten way too much white bread and pasta recently ) I realised that eggs seemed like such a great option to help me trim the fat, only eggs aren’t “allowed” because I’m trying to be vegan.

That’s when it hit me. I may not be using extreme diets any more but I still think of food in extreme terms. It’s either CARNIVORE or VEGAN. No in-between.

Most diet’s fail because they restrict the individual in a way thats unsustainable, and most people who attempt to eat a vegetarian or vegan diet fail for the very same reasons. We restrict too much.

Trying to go vegan for me wasn’t about becoming a hard core animal activist, although it is something I feel strongly about. It was two-fold. Partly about making a personal choice to not contribute to the suffering of animals, so that I could help the world in my own small way and partly about health.

I’d watched a lot of food documentaries and read a lot of plant based nutrition books and wanted to embrace the healthy lifestyle.

But in times of stress I would still turn to food in comfort… I often referred to myself as “Vegan except for chocolate”. A phrase my friends found quite amusing.

In moments of weakness, the morals behind my way of eating were far outweighed with my brain’s desire to binge eat on junk food. When I’m battling the urge to devour 5 bags of cookies, making sure the cookies I’m trying to resist are vegan friendly is a little unrealistic.

So I began thinking about my diet. About the choices I make and why.

I recently visited a food festival, and because I couldn’t find a vegetarian option available for lunch, I ate a cupcake. Now even I know a cupcake, whilst vegetarian, is not a healthy lunch choice.

Did I really feel so strongly about not eating meat that I would sacrifice my own health?

Last time I decided to eat meat again it was for selfish reasons. I knew that WLS would be much easier if I could eat dense protein in the form of lean meat and dairy. I chose to put my own needs above the needs of the animals I had previously been trying to protect.

Selfish? Probably so.

People are often very wary of vegetarians and vegans and I understand why, having spent time on both sides of the fence. When you discover something you feel passionate about the desire is to shout it from the rooftops. You want to spread the word and help “enlighten” everyone around you.

But this only serves to make them feel be-littled, guilty, or defensive. It doesn’t help the issue at hand. It doesn’t save any animals.

What if instead of focusing on what vegetarians and vegans can’t eat, we instead focus on what we can? What If we sing about all the extra vegetables we can eat, all the new fruit salad recipes and smoothies we have discovered and how it’s cleared up our skin, hair and nails?

“As meat eaters, we often spend too much time focusing on the 1/3 of our plate that is meat and forget about the other 2/3”

Everyone can benefit from eating more vegetables. Every can benefit by swapping processed foods for fruit, and sodas for water and herbal tea.

If in the process of eating a little more veg people naturally eat a little less meat, then even better.

A person’s diet is always their choice and we should respect that persons decision. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t educate, but we should educate in a respectful manner.

With regards to my own diet, I find my extreme thinking becoming more of an issue as time goes on. I’m nowhere near binge and purge free these days, but restricting myself even further is not the solution.

So whilst I today ate a vegan diet, and the day before ate a vegetarian one, I am not promising to eat that way forever. Life is constantly changing and we have to adapt with it.

Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions about your health and the food you want to eat. If that happens to be eating meat only a Sunday, or adding a little more vegetables to your Atkins diet, then that’s ok.

You have to do what’s right for you.

 

 

The day after the Binge…

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Yesterday was a disaster.

I started the day on high spirits and somehow ended it with my head down the toilets at the local supermarket.

I don’t know what “triggered” my binge, but I know I felt the overwhelming urge that I haven’t felt in a while. I wasn’t hungry for food, but I was hungry for something to fill a void.

I always knew my eating disorder wasn’t cured, only hiding in submission for a while, always ready to surface when I let my guard down, and yesterday my guard was down and the monster came out.

I took to my bed with a bottle of wine and my bulimia/binge eating recovery books and buried my head in them, eventually passing out in a wine / food coma.

Obviously, I woke feeling awful, but determined to get back on my path of recovery, and to stop dieting

FOREVER

I’ve decided that not only am I going to start my old binge eating recovery plan again, but I’m going to extend the offer out to you guys. To anyone who wises to join me.

It’s not a diet.

It’s a month devoted to learning about your eating patterns and behaviour. Time to study how and why your relationship with food is the way it is.

For the 30 days of January I will post daily activities, challenges, tasks that I myself will be doing, and you can join me in the process of discovery and try to banish your binge eating habits.

This plan won’t be suitable for anyone within the first 3 months of WLS, but any other post oppers will be able to join in safely.

If you’d like to join in then subscribe to my blog, and I’ll soon create a tab on the site for the recovery plan, and post daily updates etc throughout the course of January.

I can do this…

And I know you can too.

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Help Yourself….

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Today I had an appointment to be assessed for NHS counselling. It’s something I’ve been trying to get for well over a year and really struggled with, today was no exception. 

Last January I saw a lady to assess me re my issues with food and to diagnose whether or not I had an eating disorder. She decided I had binge eating tendencies and issues with low self esteem, depression, and body image ( I could have told her that before the hour long questionnaire ) and she prescribed me with a self help book. 

I was to read the book, follow the steps and deal with my issues. I was classed as a “low threat level” meaning I was able to deal with issues alone as I was no threat to myself or others. 

In the end I decided to pay privately for a counsellor to help me, worked through some issues, booked my surgery, and spent the last year learning how to fuel my body with food and develop a liking of exercise and a desire to keep a healthy mind and body. 

Of course we all know it’s not all a bed of roses. I still have issues with food, I still have esteem issues and low mood and I still make my world revolve around other people as an escape from my own life. 

So I went back to try get some more help. There “offer” was pitiful and in true Hazel form, I reacted to a stressful situation in a food disordered way, by eating chocolate eclairs then watching them come back up shortly afterwards, followed by 15 minutes of torture pounding the treadmill. 

The treadmill always helps me to express emotion and clears my head. Thoughts whir around at the same speed as my feet and I often step off the treadmill feeling clear headed and energised. 

Todays self inflicted torture got me thinking about my need for help. A need that like most people I imagine, I turn to others for help with. Be it professionals, Dr’s, friends, loved ones. We all seek help from others. 

But the truth is that we don’t need help from others. At least, that’s not the help we need the most. What we need most is to help ourselves.

Even if we do get help from professionals, loved ones, etc, ultimately it us down to us in the end. We make our own choices, decisions and actions. We are the makers of own success or failures. 

Our health, our happiness, our fate is in our own hands. 

I once described having WLS as like passing the first year of the degree. It seems scary at first and you think it’s going to be the hardest part. But the real work is what comes after that first year. Two long years of learning everything you possibly can about your chosen subject.

The years following WLS are best utillised by becoming a mini expert on diet and nutrition. You should learn how to exercise correctly, how to eat the right foods, how those foods make you feel, affect your body, affect your energy levels, how to cook healthy recipes, how to survive eating out, how to deal with your emotions now you can’t use food as a comfort anymore. 

I have become a mini WLS expert. I have the nutrition side nailed, I know what to eat, when to eat, how it affects me etc etc…. I’ve got to a healthy weight, I’ve achieved something huge. 

Now it’s time to become a mini expert on disordered eating. It’s time to read every book out there, learn every tip and trick on self esteem, confidence and body image that there is. It’s time to become a vessel of wisdom so that I can help myself overcome any issue I may face in the future with regards to food or my body. 

My plan all along has been to help others, but today I want it more than ever. If the NHS won’t help me, imagine how many other young girls or women out there are also struggling to deal with these issues, and what if they are not as strong as I am? What if they can’t help themselves?

Once I’ve finished helping myself I will turn my attention to helping everybody else. I’ve always wanted to start a support group for people suffering with binge eating, comfort eating, overeating, etc… to help make people aware that they are not alone. That there is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

This is all easy to say now with a clear head, and my latest purge in the past, but I know at there will always be tough times during my lifelong recovery. 

That’s why in challenging times ahead if I can’t use my use my own health as a motivator to keep going then I can use the desire to help others…..

For the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few. ( Or the needs of me ) 

Throwing out the scales….

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April has been a tough month for me.

For the last 6 weeks my weight hasn’t changed, and the more I try to make the number on the scales move lower the more my brain resists and turns to bingeing instead.

So far this month I’ve had 17 good days, and 9 bad days. It feels like the binges are getting more frequent, far too frequent for my liking. It’s time to knock it on the head.

Last year I learned a great deal about binge eating and recovery, and the main lesson is that you cannot stop bingeing whilst trying to lose weight. You have to make a choice. One or the other.

I’m down to 146lbs, my BMI is healthy. Yes I’m not at goal weight, but I’m at a good weight. So I choose to stop losing weight.

To devote my energy to really understand what is driving me to binge eat again. What bad behaviours I am doing, what I need to do to lessen the urge to binge, and how I can resist said urges when they do arrive, which I know the will.

I’ve been reading a lot about self directed neuro plasticity. A very complicated term I know. But it’s relative for anyone struggling with an addictive behaviour, or even a behaviour that goes again their true desire.

Eating isn’t always about an emotion in my head. Sometimes it’s about a desire to eat 10 bowls of cereal, somedays it’s about a desire to eat a new range of cookies I spot on the supermarket shelf. Sometimes, it’s just 11am. Overeating has become a habit again. One I need to stop ASAP.

Obviously I can’t overeat as I used to. But I can choose to eat a pack of biscuits, or a slice of cake instead of a healthy meal.

My true self wants to eat clean healthy foods, therefore when I crave chocolate I know it’s not really me craving the chocolate, it’s my brain craving it because it’s used to the sugar high it gets at 3pm.

So I have to ignore my urge.

I have to tell myself it’s not really me that wants that chocolate. Even though the urges are overwhelming and I feel desperate to eat it. It’s just a habit my brain has got used to acting on.

According to the concept of self directed neuroplasticity the more I resist the urge, the more I weaken the connections within my brain and the less I will feel the urge to binge eat or to desire sugary foods.

So for now, I am now longer trying to lose weight. I have no interest in gaining any either, but my main priority is to knock the overeating, emotional eating and binge eating on the head.

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey, and this journey is lifelong.

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