Happy Holidays

I hope the festive season is treating you well.

I’m now home after my beach vacation and back to the cold, drizzly, christmassy Bolton. Back to the reality of half eaten biscuit tins, too much mulled wine, and a chocolate orange segment on offer in every house I visit.

I still don’t quite feel festive, but I’m in high spirits after a superb holiday, with a man whom I’m now more smitten with than I was when I left.

So it rained. It was fairly chilly and I spent a small fortune.

But it was the best holiday ever.

And it gave me hope for my future.

For a future eating normally, not covering my lumps and bumps whilst on a beach, and being able to walk, bike, and explore the world with my best friend by my side.

Some days food feels like such a big issue within my life, but there are glimpses into what a life free from an eating disorder would be like, and those glimpses give me so much hope for the future.

A happy relationship? Sure thing…

A sex life in which I don’t hide under the covers? No problem.

Kids someday that won’t have my bad habits to follow? Why the heck not.

Whilst I gained a couple of lbs on holiday, I listened to my body, I enjoyed my food, I maintained a very active lifestyle, and I had a whale of a time.

A couple of lbs here or there do not matter when the ultimate goal is to live a happy, healthy lifestyle.

Here’s to living happily ever active.

Everybody hurts, sometimes….

Love like you’ve never been hurt. It’s a motto I live by. And it backfires on me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I have been sort of seeing someone, but I didn’t mention too much because I didn’t want to jinx it. Rarely, but sometimes, something seems too good to share, and I keep it hidden for a while, almost as if I’m protecting it from the reality of the world, in case it gets taken away from me. Well that’s exactly what happened.

We met on twitter, a month or two ago. He’s a professional athlete, a Personal trainer, with stunning looks and a physique of steel. We struck up conversation about health and fitness. I only ever saw one picture of him, and I fancied him immediately. The first day I spoke to him I remember vividly telling my mum ” I’ve found my perfect man”. He was smart, funny, interested in fitness, good looking, and a geek. I knew I had to get him to ask me out, and a few weeks later he did. I was beyond happy.

We clicked from the moment we met, I kissed him at the front door, my heart fluttered when his hand grazed my leg as we sat drinking wine outside. I was already a little bit smitten. A weekend of sex and talking did little to squash my feelings and I felt like I poured my entire heart out to him that weekend. He got to know everything about me, and he accepted me for that person.

We talked about camping in the wild, sharing a night in a tent warm in each others arms, swimming under the stars. I envisioned a summer of bliss. Only a summer, because he’d told me early on that in Winter he would be leaving. He was embarking on a travelling adventure, that would take up two years of his young life.

I cried the night he told me. I sobbed like a baby, even though I barely knew the guy. We talked until the sun came up the next morning and I knew that this had the potential to be something special. Regardless of his imminent departure I had to enjoy every moment I got with him.

Little did I know, that that’s all the moment I would get. That today he would decide that it’s too hard to spend time with someone when there can be no future to the relationship, only an end that was fast approaching.

My vision of a blissful summer with him was shattered. My memories clipped to only a few snippets of “us” larking around, carefree and happy.

I want to believe that he felt the same. That he ended things before either one of us got truly hurt, but my gut instincts scream out at me.  I would have waited two painful years, hoping to recapture his heart when he got home had he asked me too. I would have followed his journey through emails, and marvelled at the sites he was seeing and life he was experiencing.

But now I question, if once again my feelings were one sided. If I dived head first into something that was never more than a casual hook up to him.

How can you ever be sure about someone else? How can you ever trust what they say is true? How can you really open yourself up to someone and know you’re not going to get your heart broken?

The answer is you cant.

So whilst I have no idea what may happen, now, or in the future. What I do know is that for those brief moments, I felt sparks that I will hold in my heart forever.

I had one perfect weekend with the man of my dreams.

Everybody hurts, sometimes….

Love like you’ve never been hurt. It’s a motto I live by. And it backfires on me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I have been sort of seeing someone, but I didn’t mention too much because I didn’t want to jinx it. Rarely, but sometimes, something seems too good to share, and I keep it hidden for a while, almost as if I’m protecting it from the reality of the world, in case it gets taken away from me. Well that’s exactly what happened.

We met on twitter, a month or two ago. He’s a professional athlete, a Personal trainer, with stunning looks and a physique of steel. We struck up conversation about health and fitness. I only ever saw one picture of him, and I fancied him immediately. The first day I spoke to him I remember vividly telling my mum ” I’ve found my perfect man”. He was smart, funny, interested in fitness, good looking, and a geek. I knew I had to get him to ask me out, and a few weeks later he did. I was beyond happy.

We clicked from the moment we met, I kissed him at the front door, my heart fluttered when his hand grazed my leg as we sat drinking wine outside. I was already a little bit smitten. A weekend of sex and talking did little to squash my feelings and I felt like I poured my entire heart out to him that weekend. He got to know everything about me, and he accepted me for that person.

We talked about camping in the wild, sharing a night in a tent warm in each others arms, swimming under the stars. I envisioned a summer of bliss. Only a summer, because he’d told me early on that in Winter he would be leaving. He was embarking on a travelling adventure, that would take up two years of his young life.

I cried the night he told me. I sobbed like a baby, even though I barely knew the guy. We talked until the sun came up the next morning and I knew that this had the potential to be something special. Regardless of his imminent departure I had to enjoy every moment I got with him.

Little did I know, that that’s all the moment I would get. That today he would decide that it’s too hard to spend time with someone when there can be no future to the relationship, only an end that was fast approaching.

My vision of a blissful summer with him was shattered. My memories clipped to only a few snippets of “us” larking around, carefree and happy.

I want to believe that he felt the same. That he ended things before either one of us got truly hurt, but my gut instincts scream out at me.  I would have waited two painful years, hoping to recapture his heart when he got home had he asked me too. I would have followed his journey through emails, and marvelled at the sites he was seeing and life he was experiencing.

But now I question, if once again my feelings were one sided. If I dived head first into something that was never more than a casual hook up to him.

How can you ever be sure about someone else? How can you ever trust what they say is true? How can you really open yourself up to someone and know you’re not going to get your heart broken?

The answer is you cant.

So whilst I have no idea what may happen, now, or in the future. What I do know is that for those brief moments, I felt sparks that I will hold in my heart forever.

I had one perfect weekend with the man of my dreams.

When blogging becomes personal…

This blogging lark is sometimes harder than you expect it to be. 

I haven’t really blogged as much recently as I was doing, and reading a fellow bloggers first post back after a brief hiatus I realised why. Because I feel like my readers might judge my actions. That’s not because I don’t love my readers, but because no person can make decisions that others will approve of 100% of the time. 

I’ve posted quite a lot recently about dates I’ve been on, failed romances, failed relationships, and even crushes. As my healthy life becomes easier to stick to I’ve began focusing on other aspects of my life, and for some reason dating has been the main focus of my energy for the last month or so. 

Finding someone to share my life with has always been an important goal of mine. 

For some reason I felt embarrassed by this. As if dating too much was a crime. I’ve actually been accused of that a few times recently. It seems that a woman going on several first dates is considered “slutty” but a guy doing the same is just “Seeing what’s out there”. 

So instead of owning up to my actions I just stopped writing about them. And then I couldn’t get back into the swing of writing because I didn’t know what to say, and what to keep private. 

There has been a few dates over the last couple of months. 

There was a guy who planned to move abroad soon so only wanted “fun”…

There was a Dr who disappeared on me after the second date. 

There was a younger man who decided he missed his ex g.f. 

There was an ARSEHOLE who dared to call me a DICK to my face….on the date… 

and then there was him. 

Him I don’t wish to talk about just yet. Sometimes saying something out loud can make it real, and the more real something is the scarier the possibility of losing it becomes. 

But by finding someone who doesn’t judge me for my past actions, it’s made me realise I shouldn’t judge myself based on them either. 

There is nothing wrong with dating, with meeting lots of people and giving yourself options. There is also nothing wrong with liking someone a little too much before you’ve even met them. 

The only wrong thing I could do would be to ignore my own instincts. 

So I pledge to blog more again, to be the open and honest formely fat girl you all know and hopefully love. 

I’m not saying I’ll tell you gory details, but I refuse to hide my actions any longer. 

Just as choose which food to put in my mouth everyday, I also choose how to live my life. 

And I choose to live it in a way that will make me happy… 

Who cares what the rest of the world thinks.. 

 

Man Vs Food

This weight loss business really does take over your life.

Recently I was approached by a journalist who wanted to try and sell my story to the press. As part of the interview she asked my ex boyfriend Dan to comment on how my weight and the changes with it affected our relationship over the past year.

While his replies were truthful yet caring, they provided me with unseen insight into my behaviour as a girlfriend, and how pretty rubbish I was at the job.

It made me think about my current relationship, and I could already see some of my bad habits starting to creep into my new blossoming romance.

Food rules my life now. Not as it did when I was fat, but still to the same affect.

I’d rather eat my lentil salad and cold cucumber soup at home than go our for a slap up meal.

I really don’t want to eat donuts and pies but if the person next to me is then I will follow suit. My willpower is very weak if i am actually around the foods that cause me problems.

Dan used to complain that I’d jump out of bed at 6am without so much as a hug, more interested in blogging, exercising or cooking my food for the day. He was right, I found more pleasure in those things that in the comfort of a hug from someone who cares about me.

I envy all you married sleevers or dieters out there who can eat rabbit food while your partner tucks into fish and chips. I honestly don’t know how you do it.

I struggle enough eating the correct foods when it’s only my own thoughts and desires to deal with, taking someone else into consideration only makes the problem ten times harder.

As you are all aware from a recent blog post, I’ve been enjoying the full throws of a blossoming romance recently. But during that time I’ve eaten more ice cream than I care I admit, shared more desserts, eaten more takeaways and drank far too many frappucinos.

It’s not his fault, of course it’s not. But most of dating involves situations where you enjoy food or drink. What else is there to do in the early days of a relationship? (Keep your minds out of the gutter)

But the more I enjoy spending time with him the more I focus less on the things in my life that I need to focus on. My food, my exercise routine, my nutrition course and assignments.

I’ve never been very good at multi tasking. When I find a new hobby I dive in head first and everything else gets neglected. I’m the same with relationships. Someone warned me of this a few weeks ago and he was right.

I delve in head first and everything else gets cast aside, until the relationship ultimately ends and I’m left with no man and nothing else, because I sacrificed it all to spend time with said man.

So the thoughts have been nagging at me for a couple of days.

What do I really want?

Do I want to exercise everyday? Or every other maybe? Yes.

Do I want to eat healthy? Yes.

Do I want to eat meals out? No.

Do I want to eat junk food? No. Of course I will sometimes falter but generally no.

Do I want to have to put someone else’s problems and issues on the same priority level as my own? No.

Do I want to date? Yes.

Do I enjoy the company of this specific man? Yes.

Do I wish to still be in contact with him? Yes.

Whether or not he feels the same way is another issue.

But once again I’m going to do the selfish thing. Because if I don’t and I end up fat, miserable and single in six months I will only have myself to blame.

So I’ve decided to end the relationship.

I want to spend time with him, I do. But I can’t do that in a way that neglects my new lifestyle.

In this battle of Man Vs Food….

Food won.

Dating games, risks and taking a chance on love

It’s been an interesting weekend to say the least.

Let me start at the beginning, I’m single, I’ve been trying to meet people online to date.

On Sunday I had a date “planned” with someone. By planned, we’d sort of arranged to meet this weekend but made no time or definite schedule. From 6pm on Saturday until 3pm Sunday he did not reply to my messages, so when someone I’d never spoke to previously asked me to lunch on Sunday I decided to take a chance and say yes, I never do such confident and ballsy things but why not?

Was this deceptive to the other guy? I don’t think so. Maybe you do, let me know your opinions.

So anyways, my random date with a stranger I had barely spoke to.

We met at half 12, by 1pm I knew I REALLY liked him. By 2pm I knew this could be something amazing. By 6pm he’d gone home got changed and was back to see me again. At 10am this morning I was sad that we had to part.

Sometimes if I feel something is special my usual no detail untold policy goes out of the window and I feel somethings are best known only by those involved. Me, the girl who never shuts up, becomes a little bit private.

But this date, something about it felt very very effortless and right. We connected. It’s fair to say It was the best date I’ve ever had and that 24 hours is very high on my list of best moments ever.

Sometimes you have to take a risk in order to open yourself up to the chance to fall in love, to be happy.

I decided to take that risk and we decided to become exclusive straight away. To date someone else would feel very wrong when I want to see where this could go.

So I set did the cardinal sin, I changed my relationship status on Facebook.

Now here’s where it gets interesting….

I messaged the date I had planned for the weekend but that never happened and apologised. I explained, honestly, I never deceived him, genuinely liked him, but in his brief absence I accepted another date and now wished to follow my heart and see where it went.

He accused me of setting a bad example to my blog readers by pursuing something so fast and by saying its ok for someone else to follow my lead and risk getting hurt.

Really??

Do I ever recommend you guys do anything based entirely on my actions, my opinions and my feelings?

I like to think that my readers take my opinion, my experience and use it in any way it helps them, be that making then laugh, inspiring them, allowing them to avoid mistakes I’ve made by seeing me do it first, or by just giving them a five minute break from their own problems.

I assume everyone uses their own brain to make their own decisions about their own life, and rightly so.

I’ve always been honest with you guys from day one, that will never ever change!

Was how I went about this date right? I don’t know, but I never deceived anyone, I only ever followed my heart.

If I had met the other guy first I would have given him the courtesy of not dating anyone else while I decided if we had a future. I’ve never been the type to date more than one at once, even first dates only.

But following your heart is risky. He’s right. Am I setting a bad example to you?

Following your heart is risky.

Do I advise you do it too?

9 months ago I flew across the globe to have major surgery in a place I had never been to, with people I had never met and a surgeon I knew little about.

I took a risk. That risk paid off and was the best thing I have ever done with my life.

Would I advise you do the same? If you research and use your own judgement of the situation then sure. Am I to blame if you are inspired by me and something goes wrong? God I really hope not, and I’d help anyone whom this happened to.

So back to the story.

A risk in love is not dissimilar to the risk I took with surgery! I blindly followed my one true goal, being happy.

Do I advise you to become exclusive after one date? Do I advise you to meet a stranger off the Internet within 3 hours of his first message? Do I advise you invite said stranger round to your home? Do I advise you risk it all, open your heart and believe that something remarkable could happen all the while risking rejection, being used, or getting hurt?

YES!

I trust everyone to make their own decisions in life, to do only what they feel is safe and right for them, to follow their heart and to risk it all for the sake of happiness.

Do I promise it will all work out in the end?

Of course not!

But in order to be open to opportunity you must take a risk. You must calculate the risk of a situation with the potential rewards.

I am aware my situation could backfire, for any number of reasons, but dating is about experience, about getting to know someone else, about finding yourself as you do, about following your heart to the person who makes you smile and makes your heart flutter with each touch.

What if I get hurt? What if it’s all a con? A charade to get into my pants? People keep asking me.

But what if it’s not? What if it’s the real thing? The start of something amazing? The one thing I’ve always dreamed of experiencing in life, true love?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but for true love, no risk is too big!

Its Christmas Time…

The first snow has fallen over in Bolton, which means it’s now officially Christmas time.

I’ve still yet to even attempt to write my list of presents to buy, but yesterday we wandered to a local village and purchased a Christmas Tree. The first tree in a home that isn’t my parents, the first tree Me and D picked out as a couple, ready to spend our first Christmas together with our little doggy family.

Actually having someone you care about to share happy times with over the festive season is something I’ve always longed for. This time last year Me and D were very close friends, and the seeds were being planted for our romance that would start to blossom in the start of the new year.

My attitude towards life is so much different than it was this time last year. I enjoy the day to day of my life, I look forward to the future with Dan, and in projects that I may get involved in and new hobbies I may start to explore.

I don’t dwell on the past anymore or fixate on the endless years of depression and solitude I have ahead. I’m happy. Actually happy. What’s more suprising is that I am healthy too, and being happy and healthy has had a significant effect on my attitude to life.

Part of it is down to the changes that surgery has brought into my life, and part of it is to do with my constant effort to live a happier, healthier lifestyle and enjoy everyday.

But most of it is due to the man by my side….. my best friend.

Each day now brings something to look forward to, whether that’s a morning cuddle from my two doggies, a walk in the countryside at lunch, or to share a glass or two of wine and a movie, snuggled up on the sofa with the man I love.

This Christmas will be one spent not overindulging in food, alcohol and self loathing, but one of precious moments made with cherished loved ones, and fun times with my closest friends.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a good one.

Its Christmas Time…

The first snow has fallen over in Bolton, which means it’s now officially Christmas time.

I’ve still yet to even attempt to write my list of presents to buy, but yesterday we wandered to a local village and purchased a Christmas Tree. The first tree in a home that isn’t my parents, the first tree Me and D picked out as a couple, ready to spend our first Christmas together with our little doggy family.

Actually having someone you care about to share happy times with over the festive season is something I’ve always longed for. This time last year Me and D were very close friends, and the seeds were being planted for our romance that would start to blossom in the start of the new year.

My attitude towards life is so much different than it was this time last year. I enjoy the day to day of my life, I look forward to the future with Dan, and in projects that I may get involved in and new hobbies I may start to explore.

I don’t dwell on the past anymore or fixate on the endless years of depression and solitude I have ahead. I’m happy. Actually happy. What’s more suprising is that I am healthy too, and being happy and healthy has had a significant effect on my attitude to life.

Part of it is down to the changes that surgery has brought into my life, and part of it is to do with my constant effort to live a happier, healthier lifestyle and enjoy everyday.

But most of it is due to the man by my side….. my best friend.

Each day now brings something to look forward to, whether that’s a morning cuddle from my two doggies, a walk in the countryside at lunch, or to share a glass or two of wine and a movie, snuggled up on the sofa with the man I love.

This Christmas will be one spent not overindulging in food, alcohol and self loathing, but one of precious moments made with cherished loved ones, and fun times with my closest friends.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a good one.

It’s oh so quiet….

Apologies for the lack of blogging lately. I’m never one of these people who is too busy to do anything, but this past week general life has just got in the way of my blogging duties. It’s shameful, but at least I now have  a life, even if it is 90% work based.

So what’s new? Well last week on weigh in day I finally made it to under 200lbs!!!!! I weighed in last Tuesday at 199.5lbs. Amazing!!!! It’s also 42.5lbs lost total, in approx ten weeks! Wow! I’m half way to having an almost normal BMI, to no longer being obese, and really I’m still only in the first chapter of my journey.

When general day to day stuff gets in the way of my blogging, I find it hard to monitor my food as strictly as I should. I’ve by no means been BAD this week, I’ve not really had a BAD day since the pre op diet, but I’ve allowed myself certain luxuries. A glass of wine at night, or two, a handful or two of sweets at the cinema, 1/2 a brownie while passing Starbucks. Little things. My portions are still under wraps, and I know a treat or two is ok every now and then, but I still have a long way to go, I need to be eating very clean and green at least 80% of my week.

While work is chaotic, other areas of my life are starting to pick up. I’m being a bit more social, spending more time with close friends, and people I’m confident around. I’m wearing tighter clothes in public, who knew t-shirts were actually supposed to hug your figure not cover you like a tent?? And, I have the confidence to develop a sex life now. Bravo! All huge achievements for me.

The question now is am I ready to start having a life? To let other people in? Or do I still need to be selfish and devote all my time to me and making this journey a success? Can I be 100% devoted to this if I’m all loved up and putting someone else’s needs before my own? I think I can.

With my new found confidence, a possibility of a dating life has emerged. Last time I dated this person I was an emotional fuck up. I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t understand why someone would find me attractive, and I really didn’t want to be naked around someone, especially while jiggling my flab up and down. Now I’m aware I’m no means perfect now, I’m still a size 16/18 which is above average and still FAT in my eyes. I have a long way to go. But I can now appreciate the good things about my body. I have a defined waist, it’s quite sexy. I have perky boobs that don’t hit the floor when I remove my bra, and I have a curvy bottom that men seem to love. There are qualities about me that are attractive, and I am starting to see how someone else could find them appealing and want to be with me.

The question is….am I ready to try again. Am I ready to put myself out there and risk getting hurt? Can I handle the rejection if it happens? There’s only one way to find out…and surely the chance to be with someone who is your best friend in the world and also makes you go weak at the knees is worth taking a risk for?

I’m just me

As I lay in bed last night worrying about the operation and if things will go ok, I realised something obvious yet profound. Even at a healthy weight, even if I was stunningly pretty, there will still be some people that don’t want to date me, that don’t like certain things about my personality. While obvious, I hadn’t considered this, and how I would feel if I am still rejected by someone.

I’m not a hard person to read, anyone who knows me can usually tell if I like someone, if I’m keeping a secret, or hiding something, even if I think I’m not giving any clues.

No matter how hard I try not to, there’s still someone I have feelings for, that I can’t help but hope I’ll someday be with, and I was hoping my confidence post weight loss and pride in my self might make me more appealing, a more “suitable” girlfriend. I never considered the possibility that my looks weren’t the problem, that there was something “wrong” with me, with my personality!

Changing your weight is easy, changing a bad habit is a challenge but do-able, changing the core of who I am, is unfortunately not.

I am not a low maintenance person to be around, I’m lively, I’m bubbly, I talk too much and too honestly, and I’m shameless and actually be quite crass. These traits have never been something I felt self conscious about, I like the daft goofy loud me, and lots of people admire my boldness and braveness, but not all.

Realising that what someone finds endearing qualities in a friend are not the same as the qualities as they find appealing in a girlfriend is something I never really thought of before. If I like someone, and I fancy them, then usually a relationship Is a possibility, at least from my side.

Deep down I still hope that someday, maybe we’ll be together, that i’ll be the ‘right girl’ for the job, but as much as I love him I know that’s not currently going to happen.

Can Someone be the right person for you if you are not the right person for them? I doubt it, sadly. But my heart still hopes.

Love comes in many forms, and if romantic love is out of the question then his presence in my life as a friend is something I will always cherish, and for that, I will love him forever!