Love like you’ve never been hurt. It’s a motto I live by. And it backfires on me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I have been sort of seeing someone, but I didn’t mention too much because I didn’t want to jinx it. Rarely, but sometimes, something seems too good to share, and I keep it hidden for a while, almost as if I’m protecting it from the reality of the world, in case it gets taken away from me. Well that’s exactly what happened.
We met on twitter, a month or two ago. He’s a professional athlete, a Personal trainer, with stunning looks and a physique of steel. We struck up conversation about health and fitness. I only ever saw one picture of him, and I fancied him immediately. The first day I spoke to him I remember vividly telling my mum ” I’ve found my perfect man”. He was smart, funny, interested in fitness, good looking, and a geek. I knew I had to get him to ask me out, and a few weeks later he did. I was beyond happy.
We clicked from the moment we met, I kissed him at the front door, my heart fluttered when his hand grazed my leg as we sat drinking wine outside. I was already a little bit smitten. A weekend of sex and talking did little to squash my feelings and I felt like I poured my entire heart out to him that weekend. He got to know everything about me, and he accepted me for that person.
We talked about camping in the wild, sharing a night in a tent warm in each others arms, swimming under the stars. I envisioned a summer of bliss. Only a summer, because he’d told me early on that in Winter he would be leaving. He was embarking on a travelling adventure, that would take up two years of his young life.
I cried the night he told me. I sobbed like a baby, even though I barely knew the guy. We talked until the sun came up the next morning and I knew that this had the potential to be something special. Regardless of his imminent departure I had to enjoy every moment I got with him.
Little did I know, that that’s all the moment I would get. That today he would decide that it’s too hard to spend time with someone when there can be no future to the relationship, only an end that was fast approaching.
My vision of a blissful summer with him was shattered. My memories clipped to only a few snippets of “us” larking around, carefree and happy.
I want to believe that he felt the same. That he ended things before either one of us got truly hurt, but my gut instincts scream out at me. I would have waited two painful years, hoping to recapture his heart when he got home had he asked me too. I would have followed his journey through emails, and marvelled at the sites he was seeing and life he was experiencing.
But now I question, if once again my feelings were one sided. If I dived head first into something that was never more than a casual hook up to him.
How can you ever be sure about someone else? How can you ever trust what they say is true? How can you really open yourself up to someone and know you’re not going to get your heart broken?
The answer is you cant.
So whilst I have no idea what may happen, now, or in the future. What I do know is that for those brief moments, I felt sparks that I will hold in my heart forever.
I had one perfect weekend with the man of my dreams.
Healthy Hazimax 